


Little Talks

by AliveBlueBox



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clonecest, F/F, Self Harm, Twincest, introspective fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 01:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1668905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliveBlueBox/pseuds/AliveBlueBox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Helena dreams that they are talking to each other in languages they can't translate.<br/>She calls these 'little talks'.<br/>[Helena/Sarah Manning, tw: twincest, tw: clonecest]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Talks

**Little Talks**

_~ I don't like walking around this old and empty house / so hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear / the stairs creek as you sleep, it's keeping me awake / it's the house telling you to close your eyes_

Helena doesn't like their house.  
Well, Helena thinks she doesn't like their house, but the thing is, she's got to get used to it.  
Despite being told that she's got a light inside her, all her life she's been kept away from big colourful places; she's used to darkness, she's grown up in darkness and as she throws herself on Felix's sofa she curls up and covers her face with her hands and recreates darkness.  
 _(Sarah's hair is dark._  
She thinks she likes Sarah's hair and yes, yes, she does.)  
Helena's used to living alone, or worse.  
She's used to living with Tomàs, who sometimes screamed in the middle of the night while punishing himself for the sins he committed; and sometimes Helena quietly touched the bloody wings on her back - the wings she created, as if she was cutting marble and bringing a sculpture to life, blood dripping down her thighs.  
She touched her wings and felt like crying _(but she never even learned how and when to cry and in the end she only ever did, spontaneously and with grace, when Sarah called her 'sister')_.  
Helena remembers sleeping in a wedding dress in a lonely room - she remembers colors and sounds and a numb fog and people she didn't know how to cope with, people that could've been problems.  
Helena only knows one way to deal with problems and strangers and unexpected things and life: killing.  
Sometimes she feels alone at night in this big strange new colourful house and if there was someone else beside her, she'd kill.  
 _(But that's Sarah beside her and when Helena opens her eyes in the middle of the night, Sarah almost screams out of fear, but then she puts an arm around her and she's fine.)_  
Helena doesn't know where to go.  
Helena doesn't know how to stay.  
She's always doing something wrong or saying something wrong, she knows it because Sarah looks at her angrily and yells at her all the time, but Helena always reacts instinctively - and she doesn't know how to say it, but if she did, she'd explain she's like a child, she is a child, a child of light.  
Still, even though the stairs creek at night and she whispers to Sarah like a scared child and Sarah sounds creeped out or annoyed or just doesn't listen to her; even though she hardly ever sleeps; even though some nights she still cuts her back, not to punish herself but to carve into herself the wings of the guardian angel she almost wishes to be _(yes, yes, Sarah needs a guardian angel, Sarah needs her, she needs Sarah)_ ; even though some nights she touches her own womb and feels a void and feels like puking; in the end she still stays in this house - and she'll stay as long as Sarah stays.  
One night, Helena tries to kiss Sarah goodnight, like Sarah does with Felix. She kisses her mouth instead.  
She doesn't know where she went wrong and Sarah's confused - almost terrified, at first - reaction doesn't make sense to her.  
For a second there, she's scared _(and for a second there, Sarah's about to laugh at this ruthless killer who just doesn't understand the ways and the edges of love)_.  
Then Sarah smiles and hugs her, trembling, and she's fine.

_~ There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back / well tell her that I miss our little talks / soon it will be over and buried with our past/ we used to play outside when we were young / and full of life and full of love_

Helena doesn't remember if they spent childhood together.  
She remembers dreams, though.  
She's dreamt for a long time that they were friends.  
She even told Sarah, when Sarah couldn't believe her.  
She still has those dreams, sometimes; she dreams of them as children, sharing toys and sharing laughs and sharing _life_.  
She dreams of herself taking a flower from some garden somewhere and Sarah playing with a ball and kicking it and laughing.  
Other times, she dreams that they don't understand each other; she dreams of them talking to each other through glass windows, in languages they can't translate.  
And sometimes they're children and sometimes they're adults and sometimes they're night and day and the glass ends up blood-stained.  
And there are raindrops and the raindrops are blood too and blood is writing on the glass and it writes 'sestra' and they both understand and they put their hands in the same spot and then night vanishes and day vanishes and it all turns into an eclipse.  
In some dreams, the blood writes other things. In some dreams, it writes quotes from the Bible and from Tomàs. In some dreams, it's obsessive phrases.  
 **Not Beth Not Beth Not Beth**.  
 **You Are The Light We Are The Light**.  
 **We Are**.  
Helena calls these 'little talks'.  
Sometimes she wakes up and Sarah wakes up seconds later - because she felt something moving and that's her instinct telling her to react, but Helena likes to think it's because she misses her.  
Helena tells her slowly, "We've had a little talk, sestra", and Sarah sighs and asks, "And what did we say?".  
The answer is always "I don't know", and most of the times it's so sad that Sarah feels the urge to protect this woman whom she shot to kill, this crazy sociopath, this psychotic assassin who sticks around her because she feels a bond so deep she can't even understand it.  
But despite it all, Helena thinks - and in that she's right - that Sarah still doesn't understand her, that maybe she's not capable, and sometimes, just sometimes, Helena doesn't trust her and the fear of being used or abandoned or betrayed turns into the sudden need to pick up a knife and cut her throat deep.  
Then she thinks of the word 'family', and the word 'sestra', and those words create rays of light inside her brain, and she thinks of Sarah's smile and Sarah's tears and how Sarah's shoulder felt warm when she put her head on it and kept walking and how Sarah's lips felt warm too.  
And all knives disappear.  
 _(For now.)_

_~ and though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore_

Helena doesn't know how they went from Sarah hating her and wishing her dead to _this_.  
She thinks it has something to do with saving her life, but she's not sure, she's not sure about a lot of things - except she likes food and she likes brother sestra and she doesn't like to be touched, except if it's Sarah.  
Helena doesn't know what 'this' is, either.  
Helena knows that once she dreamt that Sarah kissed her goodnight through the glass window like she had done once.  
Helena knows that once she dreamt that Sarah shot her again and again and again.  
Helena knows that anyway they're having lunch and holding hands and going to places in the same car and that Sarah hugged her and that Sarah comforted her and that maybe they won't end up in blood and that maybe they'll be safe.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what to say.  
> A friend of mine prompted me 'Sarah/Helena' + the second verse of the song I used and this is what I got out of it.  
> And yes, their relationship lately - and by lately I mean 2.04 and 2.05 - has turned into something so complex and beautiful and probably totally not healthy and yes, I adore it and yes, it's disturbing but I ship them too, in a er, complex way.  
> Enjoy, cloneclub <3


End file.
